THE VOICE IN MY PANTS
A few years ago Jolene had to get new cell phones for her department. She works at a big prestigious hospital in the city. The staff had voiced interest in the phones that have the walkie talkie function. They thought it would be easier to stay in contact around the hospital when they were working on a problem together. Jolene headed over to the phone store that was their official vendor. Picking out the phones was no problem since she already pretty much new what her department wanted.
But you know these phone guys, they just keep selling. He told he what she really needed was the waist clip for her phone. No more carrying it in her pocket, it would always be easily accessible on her waist. Jolene tried to explain….Look I’m a large woman. I wear pant suits….you know with elastic waists. I don’t think a clip under my top on an elastic waist is going to work for me. No, the salesman replied! it will be prefect, you will be so happy I recommended this. Finally Jolene gave in and bought the clip. The salesman attached it to the phone and Jolene clipped it to her pants. It left a weird bulge on her waist but she was reluctantly giving it a try.
From the phone store she headed back to her office, but she had to make a stop at the University’s Book Store. She went in and as always, she saw several other university and hospital staff she knew. The store was quiet even though it had quite a few people in it. Even this part her organization was professional and subdued.
Jolene picked up what she needed and got in line at the cashier. Just as it became her turn to pay, her new phone rang. She fumbled around trying to pay the cashier and answer her phone at the same time. Darn this clip! It wasn’t releasing the phone! Jol gave it a good yank and SNAP…it released. And then promptly dropped down her pants. The phone somehow landed right in her crotch and snagged on who knows what. Jolene was mortified. Everyone in line and the cashier was watching. She REALLY did not want to stick her hand down her pants and feel around her crotch. She took a moment to think what to do.
Then a clear and loud business like voice suddenly broadcast from Jolene’s crotch. Somehow she had activated the walkie-talkie mode as she pulled on the phone. Her crotch said……Hello? Hello? Is this Environmental Health and Safety?
OK, just stay professional……..act normal…….
Jolene calmly leaned over and spoke directly into her crotch. Yes, this is Jolene Shaw from Environmental Health and Safety. Can I help you?
It was one of her coworkers. Each transmission was followed by one of those loud annoying beeps. Heads were starting to turn. Jolene’s crotch said, Is everything alright? You sound kind of strange.
A crowd was gathering to see the woman having a conversation with her crotch. No, really, everything is fine. Can I uh…..call you back? I’m a little busy right now. Jolene started to wiggle, trying to dislodge the phone. The voice coming from Jolene’s crotch seem to fill the now silent bookstore. She continued to wiggle. Her coworker said..Do you need my help with something? I can help if you are having a problem. Jolene continued in her professional voice. Oh, no. I can handle this on my own. Just let me call you back.
The voice signed off. Jolene did a big wiggle wiggle and the phone dropped to the floor. The gentleman behind her reached down and retrieved the phone. He smiled and said…..I think this is yours. Jolene never missed a beat. Yes, thank you. I believe it is. She walked as quickly as she could out of the store.