Spirituality and Death (not as depressing as it sounds)
When someone you care about passes, it tests your faith. Do you believe they are in a better place? Do you think on some level they stay connected to your everyday life? My Grandmom Yeager had such strong faith that she couldn’t wait to die. Other people “Believe” but still are still pretty damn anxious about putting it to the test. I know lots of people that think this is just it. Depending on the day, I feel a little of every possible point of view.
When you loose someone, it makes you think about all this. I’ve always struggled with faith. I see that people who REALLY believe sometimes have it a bit easier. They seem to be just so confident about things. That must be nice. People who think all religions are just old folk tales have it easy too. They can live to their own standards and believe when the die, it’s just over. Simple. Both these beliefs are very black and white. I have trouble seeing things in black and white, I just see shades of gray. So where does that leave me when someone I love dies? Are they in heaven? Here hanging out with me? In some holding area until the world ends? Or just nothing? I’ve been thinking about a lot this stuff .
This is what I do know.
I have struggled with strong feelings surrounding being the one to give Daddy the last dose of Morphine and then holding his hand as he passed. I knew the exact moment he passed. At that moment, that single moment when he passed, his essence was gone. He was gone.What was left was not him. It was as clear as night and day. Scientifically I knew that in that exact moment, not all of his organs had actually completely stopped yet. Some tissue probably had another minute or two left in them. But my Dad was gone. There was no doubt.
Looking back, I think the moment of death when observed up close with an open heart and an open mind is really a miracle. In that tiny second, that incomprehensible magic that is life was gone from him, probably before all of this body even knew it.
What can I even call it? His Essence? His life energy? His soul? I certainly don’t know. But I do know a miracle when I see one.