Its been a year since we lost my Dad. The toughest year of my life. It feels like it was yesterday. It feels like a million years ago. The year has brought so many changes. I am living a whole different life. The entire family had to find a new normal. We counted on Dad for so many things. Without him we struggle. I always went to him for advise, now I do the best that I can on my own.
During the last 4 years that he fought lung cancer, I saw him everyday. He left a big hole in all our lives and in our hearts. It killed me to be the one that gave him that final dose of morphine. I fought so hard to keep him alive. I felt I betrayed him with that final dose. It took months of talking about it with good friends and lots of counseling for me to really understand that he was dying no matter what we did. It was his time. It was so hard to take care of him for so long and then just stop. Stop and let him go. But I think if I could have talked it over with him, I think he would have wanted me to be the one.
I know he didn’t want to go. he fought like hell. He told me he was having too much fun. Even in that hospice bed, he thought life was so much fun. He loved his brother and his nieces and nephews coming every day. He loved all the commotion in the house, with people coming and going. The dogs barked and the doors slammed. He knew he was home and loved.
I often wonder where he is. I wonder if he was scared or confused. I hope is is happy and has no pain or worry. I hope he knows we are OK. And that we love him. And that we miss him.
This week a woman told a friend of mine that she had experienced death and was brought back. She said that afterward she told her family that if that ever happened again, please do not bring her back. She said it was so indescribably beautiful and full of love that she wanted desperately to stay. When my friend told me the story, it was just what I needed to hear, just when I needed to hear it. Life is funny that way.
Pay special attention to who is there for you. You will be surprised. People you never expected will step up and be there for you. Their unexpected caring will touch your aching heart.